I had to make a decision yesterday. To some it may have seemed like a snap decision or a rash decision, but much thought went into it. If you follow my bog as frequently as infrequent I post in it, you will know I am cuckoo in love with the coven I have found, and I know they love me too. I decided to ask my leave of the group yesterday.
Life sucks sometimes, and that is the hardest thing to take. The universal bell will toll for different lengths of time, more loudly for some and resonate more deeply for others. I made this decision for multiple reasons including health, family, my desire to begin a fresh start in some areas of my life, and start in others.
I swallowed the bitter truth and asked my leave from my elder. I chickened out, and did it via email. I could not even bring the strength to do it in person or over the phone; that is how much I knew that with the right word, my Lady would be able to change my mind. We did end up talking by text, and her response was classic Lady Atheona
We talked briefly about my reasons, and she understood and gave me the comfort I desperately needed that it was OK to ask for out leave, and that I was always welcome back. I could physically feel the weight off my shoulder. The one thing we agreed to though, is that I would stay a member of the group but not attend class for some time, but as always, was invited and encouraged to attend our meets and Sabbats, though with no active role.
This is going to be a difficult time, I kept telling myself and speaking to my wife on it, that I would evaluate in 90 days or 180 days and I am not going to be surprised if in four weeks, I call and ask to come back. She has been super supportive; I know this commitment over the past year and a half has been hard and we both have had to sacrifice. She has had to bare the fact that we are not ashamed at the sexual nature of our religion (we do not practice sex magic as much as gender magic) in our rites. She told me to stop thinking of the end game.
She gave me great advice and told me to not think of a goal line (she knows me) but to return when it feels right, even if that is next week. She is amazing in her understanding of my needs.
I have stepped back from the group at this point and I am not going to squander the lessons this phase is going to teach me. I plan on celebrating the Sabbats the ICS way, the esbats the ICS way and the meditations and lessons the ICS way while I am gone; but I am going to explore myself and my own magic. I am going to get my health in order so that I can come back and in time be the High Priest within the group that they all see in me and that I know is there.
More to come on this trip into solitary practice over the next, who knows how long.